Home
The end is near   
02:50pm 21/05/2005
 
mood: sick
music: Seether ~Fine Again
I can't stand being with Jerry anymore. We've both become two totally different people and our goals for the future don't align like they used to. We don't have anything in common except that we've been together for the last 2 years. I really don't like him as a person. I think he's a bad person. Last night he told me that he fucking hates me and that he wishes I would just leave. I was pissed. Way to just throw my sentences back at me when you're mad Jer. That's really creative. I really don't like him. Of course since Dan and Rhonda are here, he had to scream those two things so that they would be able to hear it. He has been telling me that when I have a problem I should talk to him about it and when I told him last night that he was being insensitive, he told me to shut up and then screamed those other two things at me. Oh yeah, he also called me a fucking bitch. I know he thinks that I'm ALWAYS sick, but this time I am very sick and he's being a total fucking jackass! It's like he tries showing off to his friends to see how poorly he can treat me whenever we're around them. I honest to God do hate him. How could you love someone who treats you so horribly? He is not a very nice person. I want to leave him, but I'm afraid that if I do, I'll either regret it and it'll be too late or that I'll never find anyone better, which I know is stupid, because of course I could find someone better. It's just so hard to throw away almost 3 years and make it all become a wasted 3 years of your life. Sure you learn something from every relationship, but in general, it's just a waste of life. That blows!		  
     Post
 
   
12:42pm 03/03/2005
 
mood: FAT
music: Dora
I haven't been online in forever because I switched jobs and I'm a nanny now. It's kind of a long story. We are going to Winona this weekend to look at houses because we're thinking that we'll probably move back there. I'm not really sure how I feel about that, except fat. When we left there 10 months ago, I weighed like 15 lbs. less! It's such a college town and everyone is so fucking skinny that I know I'm going to feel horrible. I've been on some major weight loss kick all week so I could try to get thin for his weekend, but it's just now comming off fast enough. I am bad though, I only do it like right before something big is comming up and then I quit for like a month. I need to be way more disciplined. I suck!		  
     Post
 
FAT ASS   
02:27pm 12/01/2005
 
mood: full
music: none
I just got off the phone with my sister and we're supposed to be going to these "really cool clubs" this weekend. I don't even know what to do. Someone said that "only beautiful people go there," so I'm fucked. I am really pretty, but I'm not very skinny and I don't want to go to some club where everyone there is drop dead georgous! I'm going to feel like such a fat ass! I just ate a Quiznos sub and I'm sure it was very fattening and now I'd have to stop eating for the rest of the week to even be noticably skinnier. Well, my goal was to weigh 115 by this weekend and it's not going to happen unless I really work at it, so I guess that's what I'll be doing for the rest of the week. I wish I could throw up my sandwich (or better yet not have eaten it in the first place), but I can't so I'll have to work really hard for the rest of the week!		  
     Post
 
23rd birthday   
01:25pm 06/01/2005
 
mood: tired
music: people eating chinese food
Well, today is my 23rd birthday and I really feel old. I've never felt old on my birthday before, I've just been excited to be more grown up, but not this year. I'm not excited at all. I'm old and I'm here at work (which is a first) and I'm tired and I know my birthday night is gonna suck because Jerry never does anything good for me and if he does, he wrecks the surprise first. He called me to tell me that he was going to get me tanning for my birthday, but doesn't know which one to get me. He told me last night that he had to go to PETCO this morning to get one of my presents and I know now that I'm getting a turtle because that's what I wanted like 3 months ago. He told me that we couldn't go see MEET THE FOCKERS "YET" when I asked him last week, so now I know that he's taking me to see that tonight and I really don't feel like seeing a movie, I'd rather go get drunk. I don't want to sit in a boring movie theatre tonight. He always wrecks my presents or suprises, so they aren't even fun because I always know what to expect. That's so fucking boring. I'm just crabby I guess. I feel really fuckin fat too! I hate being and feeling fat! I'm tired, annoyed I'm at work, crabby and fat. DAMNIT!		  
     Post
 
   
01:47pm 05/01/2005
 
mood: determined
music: none
Yesterday was bad, I ate like everything in sight, but I only gained 1 pound. But, that's still 1 pound. Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday, so I'm sure I'll be drinking a lot then, but I'm determined to lose, not gain weight. I bought a dieting journal at Barnes and Noble last night and I think it'll be very helpful for me to see what a fatass I am and help me change my ways.		  
     Post
 
FAT   
01:40pm 28/12/2004
 
mood: guilty
music: NONE
ALRIGHT, THAT'S IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING IT! I AM REALLY GOING ANOREXIC FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. MY SISTER AND I WERE JUST LOOKING AT THE SOUND BAR'S PHOTO GALLERY BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO VISIT IT WHILE WE'RE HERE IN IL, AND THERE IS THIS GIRL IN ONE OF THE PICTURES THAT LOOKS EXACTLY AND I MEAN EXACTLY LIKE I DO, ONLY I THOUGHT SHE LOOKED FAT, REALLY FAT. AND MY SISTER SAID NO SHE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU, ONLY HER BOOBS ARE BIGGER. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? SHE WAS LIKE A MONSTER. AND THEN MY SISTER PRECEDES TO MAKE ME LOOK AT PICTURES AND JUDGE WHO SHE'S SKINNIER THAN. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE FAT MONSTER! I DO NOT! I DO NOT!

SO FAR TODAY I HAVE HAD A GRANOLA BAR, LIKE 4 TOFFEE PIECES, 18 PRETZELS AND A SANDWICH W/O OIL OR MAYONAISE. THAT'S IT THOUGH. I'M RENEWING MY GYM MEMBERSHIP TODAY AND GOING AND NOT EATING FOR A WHILE. I HATE MYSELF! AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID I GET THAT FAT?!?!?!?! THAT GIRL WAS LIKE HUGE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M THAT FAT!		  
     Post
 
FAT   
02:00pm 27/12/2004
 
mood: drained
music: NONE
SO JERRY AUNT AND UNCLE AND MY PARENTS BOTH BOUGHT ME WORK OUT CLOTHES. WHAT THE FUCK? IT MAKES ME WANT TO CRY. THE OTHER THING IS THAT JERRY'S AUNT AND UNCLE BOUGHT ME A SIZE LARGE. I WENT FROM A 4 TO A 6, BACK THE FUCK OFF! I CLEARLY DO NOT NEED A SIZE LARGE YOU FUCKERS (HOPEFULLY I DON'T)! HOW MEAN CAN YOU GET? I HATE THAT EVERYONE IS SO CONCERNED ABOUT HOW MUCH I WEIGH. IT'S SO HARD TO DEAL WITH. I KNOW THAT I'VE GAINED SOME WEIGHT THIS YEAR, BUT PLEASE, THAT'S MY BUSINESS, NOT YOURS. DID THEY THINK THAT MAKING ME FEEL EVEN WORSE ABOUT MYSELF WOULD CURE ME. I HATE EVERYONE. I'M SO EXHAUSTED AND TIRED AND I HATE EVERYTHING! I'M QUITTING MY JOB SOON (I HOPE I CAN)!		  
     Post
 
   
01:57pm 27/12/2004
 
mood: tired
music: NONE
JERRY CAME TO VISIT ME WHILE I WAS IN MN. IN THE MIDDLE OF SEX HE KEPT TELLING ME HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO MARRY ME AND THE WHOLE 9 YARDS. IT WAS SO WEIRD. I FELT LIKE HE WAS ONLY SAYING IT BECUASE HE THOUGHT IT WOULD GET ME OFF FASTER OR BETTER OR SOMETHING. IT WAS SO ANNOYING AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW MUCH I FELT LIKE HE WAS LYING.		  
     Post
 
   
10:48am 21/12/2004
  Well, I guess that hanging out with Jason won't be a problem while I'm home, because he doesn't seem to want to. It's not like I asked him to hang out, but I have called him and he hasn't said anything, so fuck him.  
     Post
 
   
03:46pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: crushed
Here's what I want, I wanted her to come racing home today to come bursting through the door telling me that she's sorry and that she never meant to hurt me. I want her to hug me and kiss me and tell me that she didn't mean it and that she doesn't want a waste a second of me being home because I mean too much to her.

I didn't come home and drive for a million hours and take time off work to be ignored, insulted and left alone, yet that's exactly what's happening. I didn't come home to spend my days alone at the house typing in my live journal. I came home to be loved and cared about, but I should've know I was expecting too much. Why can't I just let them go so that my life could get better and so that I could start healing????????		  
     Post
 
Broken   
03:30pm 20/12/2004
 
mood: depressed
I am never going to be good enough for my family. They say that they love me, but they don't. They don't love me, they love who they want me to be and those are two completely different things. I try and I try to make them happy, but nothing makes them happy and they still always find reasons to put me down and make me feel bad. Does it make them feel better about themselves to tell me that I look like I've put on weight or that my hair isn't modern? Who is that helping? I don't want to be ugly or fat or anything, but it seems like I always will be in there eyes. If I lost a ton of weight and cut my hair short and wore the clothes they want me to wear, (I can already hear what they'd say) "Monica you're finally starting to grow up and look presentable. Good job Monica. We're all so proud of you. Lookin good! You grew up a lot and you look very put together." That's pretty much what it would sound like. I can't believe how fucking selfish they are. Why the hell do they have to make me feel like I'm not good enough every single step of the way? Does it really matter to them if I weigh 105 or 120? Should it? Does it really change the fundamentals of who Monica Marie Olson really is? Does the lenght of my hair really determine if I'm a good person or a bad one? Does telling me I'm getting heavy really make them feel that much better about themselves? Am I smarter if I'm thinner or something? It's not like I try to look bad. All I want to be is a stay at home mom who goes shopping a lot. Does it really matter if I have a college degree while I do that? Is that going to make me a better parent or person? I doubt it. I wish I could just say fuck em, but I care too damn much. I am absolutely heartbroken right now that I am spending the whole day playing on this stupid computer when all I want to do is spend time with and be loved by my mom. I wish I wasn't so sad about it and that I could just leave and nevre look back, but I know that either way, I'm broken.		  
     Post
 
   
02:30pm 17/12/2004
 
mood: sick
Jerry told me that he loved me the other night in the middle of sex, then he pulled me hair and I cried...I don't know what's wrong with me. He keeps accusing me of not loving him anymore, and who knows, maybe I don't. I can't stand him touching me all of a sudden and it's not like anything is any different than it was before.		  
     Post
 
Eileen   
02:28pm 17/12/2004
 
mood: sick
Eileen is another one of those people. She thinks that she's so fucking great at her job. If she's so fucking great and so much better than me, then why is she always begging me to stay to help her do her job? She sucks at it and she tries to make me feel like I'm such a fuck up. She tries to speak all quietly and act so polite and propper. She thinks that because she has done my job before I got hired that she knows how to do it, but she's old and she's STUPID!		  
     Post
 
Yvette   
02:25pm 17/12/2004
 
mood: sick
Yvette is so god damn self riteous! She thinks she is like the best thing ever and that she knows everything. She's so above everyone and everyone else is fucking up her job because we're not doing ours right. What the fuck ever! You can take this job and shove it up your ass! She thinks she's so fucking perfect, but really she's just so ghetto and mexican trash! I really don't know why she thinks she's so special.		  
     Post
 
   
01:55pm 15/12/2004
 
mood: exhausted
music: Something good and 80's
I went home last night and I wrote and I wrote and I wrote hoping to have some big breakthrough with my life, but no such luck. I can't think of anything that will ever make me happy. I'm supposed to hang out with both Jarrad and Jason while I'm home over break...I hope Jerry doesn't come to MN to surprise me and find that I'm out with other guys...that would be horrible, but I feel like I have to explore my options and do something for myself for once. I think I should move back home...		  
     Post
 
   
02:17pm 14/12/2004
  This is me...  
     Post
 
 
listensoftly
 
 

Advertisement